change the pear vol. 23 25 Aug 2024

hi, hello. a few people asked me whether i was planning to continue this substack while i’m in australia and the answer is you can’t get rid of me that easily! life is very overwhelming and my brain is in a constant state of adapting and adjusting to all the confusing things that are happening, but i’m trying to carve out time amidst all of that for my favourite activities: obsessing over things and sharing my thoughts.

on repeat

it’s time to talk about kim namjoon. his latest release is called right place, wrong person and guys, he has done it again: created a piece of art. i’ve written before about his first album, indigo, and how vulnerable it was. rpwp is no less vulnerable, but it marks a distinct shift in emotional landscape. if indigo was, here is my beating heart on a platter and it is furiously searching for a way to keep on living then rpwp is I LIVED BITCH!

listening to indigo, i got the sense that namjoon is asking for something—a chance to live, permission to keep on trying. rpwp isn’t asking anymore. the project has a sense of urgency about it—namjoon delayed his military service to work on the album, and it reflects that, i think. it’s something that had to exist so he could find peace. the kind of art you make when you’re trying to find your way back to yourself, when you’re wandering far from your friends and unsure where your tethers are.

like indigo, it has fantastic features: little simz and moses sumney! and like indigo it’s clear how much thought and consideration has gone into the construction of the album: its musicality, its instrumentation, its experimentation with genre. it feels fun, like namjoon is finally not holding back, finally throwing off the burden that has been weighing him down.

it’s unapologetic and unafraid. it’s a cigarette lit and thrown on a pyre, an angry fuck you to anyone who’s ever tried to box him in. it’s all of namjoon’s contractictions bound up in one piece of work. and what a brave and bold and beautiful gift that is.

side note: jimin and namjoon doing a listen-through of the album together ripped me and hayley apart. highly recommend for anyone who wants to watch someone who unconditionally loves another person think about and talk through the art one of them made at a dark time in their life.

last seen

audrey and i finished young royals season 3! the final episode made me scream, out loud, at least three times and i’ve rewatched the final scene… MANY times. listen… sometimes a tv show gives you everything you want and everything you didn’t think you would get!!! i’ll say it once agan: this show is about honesty and trying to do right by one another. wille and simon are so young. they’re teenagers, shouldering the difficulty of a private relationship made public—at first it was through forces out of their control, but by season three we’re made aware that wille’s role as prince means that their relationship is controlled and scrutinised by everyone from the cute six-year-old boy at the protest who wants a picture with simon, to the palace spin doctors who won’t let simon post on instagram, who want wille to be the poster boy of a cause for his birthday. wille understands the strictures—he was raised inside them—but simon doesn’t, and hates them. throughout the series we see them make compromises for each other, try their best, and eventually realise that love is not enough. and yet… maybe it is enough. maybe you can make a choice that lets you be with the person you love. a choice not for them, but because of them. because of what they’ve taught you and shown you through how they’ve loved you. a choice for yourself. a choice for happiness.

LOVE WINS!

currently watching

i started house of the dragon, because i miss game of thrones (likely thing for me to do) and yet wanted something new. plus i saw this clip of the cast and thought, i need to watch this. i love when a cast bands together to bully the himbo. anyway, after episode one i immediately opened a wiki of ice and fire to clarify a few things—we’re so fucking back. matthew warned me about the “traumatic birthing scenes” in season 1 and he was not wrong. episode one kicks us off with a bang: king viserys opting to slice his wife open to retrieve the unborn child because he’s so obsessed with having a son, and subsequently watching her bleed out on the bed. a caesarian!!! with no medical equipment and no anaesthetic??? horrific. horrendous. lock that man up. anyway, apart from finding matt smith deeply unconvincing as the sexy rogue dragonlord prince daemon targaryen and being distracted by the truly appalling quality of some of the wigs, i’m having a good time! i am wary of saying who my favourites are because as we know, everything can change in an instant. i’m hoping for good, solid character development, motivations that make sense and a lot of beautiful gowns.

reading

i downloaded percy jackson and the lightning thief onto my ereader yesterday because i am 10,000 miles from home and under a lot of stress. no further questions at this time.

miscellaneous (ldn)

glorious sun and wine in turin. wandering through the towns in the hills and having a picnic. hana cooking me kimchi fried rice. ice skating with iman and hana. hanging out with atlas and akua. lee in the almost-summer solstice sun. margaritas and japanese food and watching the sunset with claire, henry and hana. walking with claire by the river lea. watching england play with marisa and making each other laugh with how shit it all was. hanging out in finsbury park and talking about everything. cooking doufu gan and garlic chives and silken tofu with la douban jiang. celebrating lola finishing their phd and seeing a huge I <3 DYKES graffiti around the corner from our flat. passing my viva and my friends being there to hold me in the what the fuck!! moment afterwards. a glorious, incredible hike through the alps with surina. getting a swanky electric mercedes as our hire car for some reason. swimming in cold cold lakes and feeling the sun and wind on our skin. snuggling up in our tent and being kept updated on the england score with surina’s one bar of 3g. tobogganing down the steep snowfields. a beautiful lamb dinner cooked by jun for the take your own advice group chat. breakfast crepes with alex, lydia and saskia. walking through east london with tobi and hana. dinner at hana’s house and forcing her mum to bring out all her baby pictures. being featured on hana’s mum’s instagram. frying dumplings for arenike and flopping on my sofa. the hackney sauna with marth! jun coming over for dinner and knitting me a scarf for the canberran winter. swimming in london fields lido in the 30 degree sun with hana, and getting chinese bbq with siyang and holly afterwards. drinks and pizza with claire sat outside. a trip to bath with alfie, wandering through the town as they told me the plot of interview with the vampire and seeing the minature henry moores. watching a view from the bridge with alex and being confused about the narrator’s accent. visiting the lesbian bar with elete and hana and having cocktails at 12pm. marisa making us matching DYKE bracelets. a beautiful goodbye picnic with the loves of my life!!!

miscellaneous (oz)

burning the sage stick elete brought me back from nyc and reading her letter to me. putting up people’s cards in my (thus far) empty apartment. finally getting time to co-write with zoë again. calling my grandma regularly. setting up the christmas photo frame saskia, alex, lydia and dorothy got me. seeing a brushtail possum. all the weird birds everywhere, particularly the little crested pigeons and the purple swamphens. having a joyful dinner with 3 dykes. christie’s mum lending me a bike. hana writing me weekly update powerpoints. giving my first presentation as a doctor! meera sodha’s courgette and white bean curry. the stacks of kimchi in the asian supermarket. how fresh the air feels. the way the gum trees hold the light.

thanks for being here. see you soon.